utter nonsense

Saturday, January 22, 2005

when did i suddenly hit the "im annoying" stage in my relationship?? and how the fuck did it happen? i know im not annoying him (i hope im not, at least), but i feel as if i was being annoying (ie if i were him and he was looking at me, id find me VERY annoying right now). now i just need to figure out a way to relax and not be soo god damn child like annoying. ER!#$%#$ heh. oh wells. ill figure it out soon, and once i figure it out, ill stop it and prevent it from happening again. i swear.

i think this phase will pass. i usually get like this when im stressed or worried.. and right now im just worried about WHEN im going to get there. if ill have enough to get a place asap. if ill get a job, though im going straight to a temp agency once i get off the plane. [note to self: must stop by temp agences in city centre when im there to see how hard it will be to find me work].. im scared he'll leave me... im scared ill be on my own, and ive failed myself and not made any friends and ill wind up alone and miserable. i just need to breathe & relax and everything will be okay.. but everything that happened with dan still leaves a taste in my mouth. i just need to refocus and know that mike ? dan, mike = diffrent. i think i just used a math equation and i have no real idea how it works. but yeah i know hes not going anywhere. im just afraid of fucking it all up.

also, i sometimes feel like weve run out of things to talk about? but i think its because were both on the same schedule just 5 hours apart.. we dont have random time together as much.. everything need to be planned. like at least when i was at sunglass hut, there were days where we didnt talk except for a quick hello before work.. now its just like.. yeah.. i really think thats where my "annoying" stage is really coming from. fear we've run out of things in common to talk about.. were not together to talk and have lil inside jokes together. cuddles, smiles... i think the stress of the distance is finally showing. i just need to be there... i hate hate hate doing this the legal way.. but i dont want to get deported. i have that luck with things.... i know hes in this for a long time, hes asked one of his friends to look out for me already while hes gone, and im not even THERE yet.. i guess thats a good thing... i know he loves me.. you just dont do things like that if you dont..

i think dan the jew has fucked up me more than i ever thought was possible.
fuck.

6 more weeks.
just bought my rail ticket tonight.. only cost me $40 US to get back and forth... thats about the same as it is to travel into NYC from Babylon during peak hours. and i think im travelling peak so thats probably why its so costly.
all i need to remember now, is to get a weekly tram fare so it only costs me 80p for bus transfers...

though jo and others think mike should have bought my ticket for me, i dont care. why have him buy me something that i can buy myself? the only reason i needed his help was just trying to find the right rail to buy for. he loves me.. the twenty quid will be spent on me one way or another. does it really matter HOW and WHAT its spent on?

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i need to CHILL. or get a panic button. which ever comes first.


posted by: Kerri at 4:30 am
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