utter nonsense

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

so mike tells me he really likes me.. like REALLY likes me. i guess that means hes falling IN love with me (he tells me he loves me, but i gues he loves me as a person, but i dunno im all confuzzled)?? i have no idea.. but im guessing its good. also earlier today he told me im the one to pin him down.. ahhh pressure!!!!! lol, though a good pressure, i think. but, i told him, i dont want to ever feel "trapped" or "cornered" by me. i get told i do that a lot and i never ever mean too.. i think i just get caught up in my emotions and thats not good at all. i must stay level headed.

im just glad he can be open with me. im not used to guys being honest. im not used to someone going out of their way for me. im just not.. maybe hes the one who can finally convince me that hell be here to stay and not to leave. maybe hes the one to show me i can let my gaurd down and know he wont hurt me and turn his back on me. even when hes upset, hell still come to me. god thats scary. can this happen? can this be true? i hope so, i really do, because if not then im just going to give up and realize im not meant to be loved and only meant to show how to love.

i just hope, thats not the case with mike. he said hes not really a relationship person, and neither was dan and dan dumped me to be with someone else. im just sick of teaching how to love... nothing wrong in that, right? but i really dont think thats going to happen.. i just wish i had a crystal ball to tell me everything was going to be okay.. but i think everyone wishes they had that, it make life a million times easier.. theres a large part of me that knows everything is going to be alright.

i just hate the unknowing. i like to be in control, i want to know whats going to happen. i dont want to risk getting hurt. i hate that pain.

i do care for him and love him a lot.. i guess theres going to be some serious discussing going on between the boinking and the meeting up of detnet peoples (i swear he knows more people here than i do!)... i just want him.. i really do.. but i cant pin all my hopes and dreams on him.. i have to dive deep into me and know that im moving for more than just to be close to him and this is for me... i do love this man, and i do hate being apart from him, but i also need a god damn change..

why cnat my life just be a little more easier??


posted by: Kerri at 4:03 am
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