utter nonsense

Saturday, May 01, 2004

how does one deal with the lonliness? especially when one is shy and scared of trusting people?
all i do is get myself hurt and made to feel like i made a jackass out of myself. i need people around me, but im so particular on who ill talk to, that i hardly talk to anyone. maybe being alone is better then being hurt? i dont know. i just wish there was reason to this insanity. i really do. i dont even think this is a solid thought. heh.

i want to be loved. i want to be made to feel special. i want to know i matter to another person. i want to know that when im gone, i mattered. i need to be validated. and love validates me. i just wish it would find me instead of torturing me. or just letting me believe theres something there thats not really.

ive lost dave. i know i have. hes been online for more then two hours and no im. and we havent hung out in over two weeks. i should just take that as a sign and move on. i just wish people were fucking honest. god. how hard is that to do? you know? i deserve that much. i really do.

i was driving to the shrinks office today.. and i heard the new mary chapin carpenter song on XPN. its called the good girl or something. its on her new record (which i might just pick up because of this one song) and it reminds me so much of myself. im a good girl, i deserve a good man. why cant i just find one? god, im whiny. thats why i cant find anyone. im too fucking whiny.

i have no real idea why im pouring my heart out in this. too many fucking people read it nowadays. i guess that will teach me for putting it in my sig. i know all this shit is going to come back and haunt me. i just do. heh. oh wells. no one can deny that i wear my heart on my sleeve. im open about everything. i try to be at least.

when i was at the shrink.. they showed me my treatment plan and whats wrong with me. apparently im suffering from a low grade depression (but im still vocal and friendly), anxieties, isolation issues and a few other things that they used technical terms for and i cant remember the names of them. i was like whoa.. thats whats going on in my head. at least i knew it and now someone else does. and im getting treatment for it. im on 10mg of lexapro (which i need to take right now but i will once im eventually done with this) and its working okay. im finally remembering my dreams again. i think thats good, even if most are about hurting dans new gf.. and im sleeping deeper and longer. something i havent done since i had lived with daniel. 6 months is a long time to live off minimal (sic??) sleep and i dont think its good to live that ways. especially when im someone who used to thrive on lots of sleep. heh.

but i guess thats all for now. maybe i should rant and rave more often in here. i dont know. i still have a lot more to get off my chest, but i dont know how to express it properly. i want to make fucking sense and i never ever do. maybe i should read more. who knows. heh. i should also stop listening to david gray and ryan adams. the two of them are going to make me want to off myself. i know that would make some people in this world fucking estatic, but i dont think it be the best thing to do at this moment in time.

edit:
im so out of it all i was supposed to do laundry today and didnt. i have to go to work in dirty clothes and no socks.
im a dirty bitch


posted by: Kerri at 5:12 am
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