utter nonsense

Monday, November 10, 2003

i dont know if anyone else does this or not, but im writing out my blogger while im at work. its times like this when i wish i had a laptop or a job with internet access.

im mad,. im mad because hes ignoring me. im mad because i think he DOES love me and by staying away hell stop feeling it and wont be scared to love me anymore. when he is around me, HE'S the first one to grab MY hand. he holds me when im crying. im not asking him to do this, hes just doing it. he still calls me baby. :(

maybe things did move quickly. but thats doesnt mean things cant be slowed down, either. im the most understanding person in the world. if he wanted to make this work, it can. and i thinks thats what hurts the most, he doesnt even want to try.

chris was telling me that maybe he feels freaked. he finally found something good and cant handle it and decided to run than rather deal with it all. he said that, because thats what he does everytime a great girl comes his way. i have no idea. all i know is that before his dad passed things were going GREAT. hell, when we were down there, people were asking if we were engaged. id tell them that no, but we are living together. he'd correct me and say "not yet". so how can one go from "not yet" to "never"?? this is so fucking confusing. and painful. gah.

maybe this is all my fault. i let my fears of losing him take over and i was trying to hold onto him as long as i could when i was in alabama. i was just so scared. and i guess i was rightly so. so once again i let my anxieties take over and it fucks shit up. but i just love him so...

hes saying he wants to be friends. but he hasnt once picked up the phone. he hasnt done anything to show me he wants to be my friend.

what makes this REALLY hurt, is the fact that people i thought were friends (that ive met through daniel) havent bothered to even call me and see how im doing. normally i would just call people, but situations like this are prooving ground. and they have all failed. not only have i been dumped by my friend, but also by the people who claimed were my friends.

so overall, everything is just fucked up. and im the one getting the fucking. typical.

i thank god for chris, jelani, barry, and king. without their support in oneway or another, i dont know what would have happened. and even my precious nancies. i love them all so much. they are just a great group of people that god has blessed me in having in my life. i just wish EVERYONE lived here, so we could all go out for coffee/tea/cheese fries at dennys at 3am and talk. im really alone here in pa. dan is the closest thing to a friend i have right now. i mean my roommate is GREAT, but i cant dump everything on him. hes going through his own breakup right now, and his was 4 years long. im just fucking scared. i dont want to dive back into the internet for friends again.

.....................................................................................................................

and a customer just came into the store and asked if i was a manager. i asked him why and he said because i sounded and presented myself in a way a manger would. that makes so fucking estatic. why? because michelle is leaving and im going after her postion (since im the only employee left). so that gave me a great boost of self esteem.

i guess thats it for now. :\


posted by: Kerri at 12:40 am
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