utter nonsense

Monday, September 23, 2002

so i'm sitting here pondering whats going on in my life. why do i need someone so badly? why am i so fucking shy and can't have a normal converstaion with a real human being outside of instant messenger or the phone? what is so wrong with me? i'm decent human being. when i try, i can be attractive. i'm funny (looking). i mean,. i really have two people in this area i'd refer to as a friend and thats Alexios and Shannon. but, i hardly see them, unless it's something DMB related. i was close to actually having friends, but mike drove them away. i let a fucking boyfriend control me. i'm so fucking lame. so, now i'm back to where i was when i moved back two years ago, except not as depressed. i'm not asking for a huge group of friends, just one or two i can call up and and run to the diner with and have a cup of coffee and cheese fries with and talk about whats bothering each other. is that so wrong to want?

maybe thats why i want a boyfriend so bad, because you get a friend and someone to trust all in one. and they aren't supposed to hurt you. at least if you lose the boyfriend, it's like okay we broke up, no biggie. but losing a friend. that's another thing. i mean, kelly fucked me over, a lot. and she was the first person i could actually call a friend. and then she just went and back stabbed me and talked shit on me. told people my darkest feelings and then made fun of me. and the same thing with rosa and a few others. am i this horrible of a person to deserve this kind of treatment? am i that pathetic? i deserve to have a person to feel close to and reveal my inner most feelings to, don't i?

i don't know anymore. maybe i need to see a shrink again. maybe i need to be back on paxil. i was at least somewhat normal when i was medicated. :/

i guess, what i'm trying to say is, i'm tired of being alone and having a computer be my company.



posted by: Kerri at 6:39 am
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