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im drunk as shit
i ahs an axniety attack i love michael darren grice more then anything else chris thinks im crazy i love him though fuck tghe moitor is spinng god this sucks. my heart is racing. my mind is going everywhere. i dont know where this fear came from. i know hes not using me for sex, so why do i keep fearing it? ugh. mike if you read this, tell me to stop being a stupid tart. edit: i hate all you assholes who put doubt in my heart. i hate this feeling. i seriously do. i know he loves me and gah.im panicking over nothing. but gah. none more fucking weeks. i want it to go by faster he lives so far away from me... And when you’re lost I know how to change your mood And when I’m down you breathe life over me Even though we’re miles apart we are each other’s destiny i hate this. im missing him. terribly right now. i just want to cuddle with him. fuck. theres something wrong with me. hes in bed and sleeping and i just want to be there next to him. i normally hate the forwards my mum sends me..but i actually liked this one: TO REALIZE To realize The value of a sister Ask someone Who doesn't have one. To realize The value of ten years: Ask a newly Divorced couple. To realize The value of four years: Ask a graduate. To realize The value of one year: Ask a student who Has failed a final exam. To realize The value of nine months: Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born. To realize The value of one month: Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby. To realize The value of one week: Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper. To realize The value of one hour: Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet. To realize The value of one minute: Ask a person Who has missed the train, bus or plane. To realize The value of one-second: Ask a person Who has survived an accident. To realize The value of one millisecond: Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics. To realize the value of a friend: Lose one. Time waits For no one. Treasure every moment you have. You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special. why cant normal things just happen to me?  You are Captain Murphy. You've lost your mind, but you have more fun without it. Which Sealab 2021 character are you? brought to you by Quizilla so i finally watched the end of kill bill vol 1 today. so awesome. i must watch it again. im mad though cause i fell asleep thanks to being sick when i first bought it and i didnt have much left to get through. oh wells. but an awesome movie none the less. http://msnbc.msn.com/id/4933394 
Indie outbreak: Wayne Coyne's Flaming Lips are at the vanguard of a new golden age in rock By Devin Gordon Newsweek May 17 issue - Have you ever been outside in 106-degree heat? The air is crushing. You dehydrate instantly. You fantasize about cooler places, like Arizona. In 106-degree heat, the average indie-rock fan—thin, brittle, white as chalk—will spontaneously burst into flames. So it was a shock when 60,000 of them braved the elements recently for the Coachella music festival outside Los Angeles. Two days, all outdoors, all to see 82 bands with names that sound like parodies of band names: Death Cab for Cutie, Broken Social Scene, the Flaming Lips and one that could've been the festival's motto: ... And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead. (Yes, that's a real band. And yes, they're good.) Two years ago, the indie-rock scene was sputtering. Coachella was a quirky, decently attended event. And now? "I had no idea it was such a big deal," says Death Cab frontman Ben Gibbard. "We were touring in Japan beforehand and people kept telling us they were flying from Japan to be at Coachella." After a grim decade, the rock scene is once again producing music—lots of it—that's worth getting on a plane to hear. And better still, people are buying it. Last month, Seattle bizarro-rockers Modest Mouse turned heads when their new CD debuted at No. 19 on Billboard's album chart, selling 80,000 copies in a week. Gibbard has become such an indie rainmaker that his side project, the electronic-pop duo the Postal Service, has sold 250,000 copies of its first CD, "Give Up." "Five years ago, a record that sold 50,000 copies was a huge success in our world," says Rich Egan, president of Vagrant Records, home of punk pinups Dashboard Confessional. "The standard has totally changed." File-sharing, once thought to be the death knell for the music industry, has actually helped trigger a spending spree. Even MTV and big radio are starting to notice, playing artists they wouldn't have touched three years ago. Does the current scene have a Nirvana, an R.E.M., a U2? Not yet. "But I've talked about this with friends a lot lately: something amazing is about to happen," says Gibbard, 27. "I don't want to guess what it'll be, but you can just feel it coming." bastards. i know youre lurking someone leave me a comment and tell me im crazy or something. It's true I've become a skeptic How many couples really love Just wish I had a crystal ball To show me, if it's worth it all Coz I can feel it, baby I feel like I'm falling for you But I'm scared to, let go I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so Yeah I can feel it, baby I feel like I'm falling for you But I'm scared to, let go I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so And I've got to be sure Coz it's been so long And I cannot take the pain again If it all goes wrong Coz I can feel it, baby I feel like I'm falling for you But I'm scared to, let go I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so Yeah I can feel it, baby I feel like I'm falling for you But I'm scared to, let go I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so "Falling for You" - Jem why cant they just have dirt cheap flights to HERE!??! why must this all go wrong? i just want him HERE now. i was outside having a smoke just enjoying this GORGEOUS weather and thinking how nice it be to have him with me.. just talking and enjoying a beer out there.. it actually made me want to cry! cry.. over someone i havent met. gah. ive lost it. but is it possible to be normal and still feel this way? b) i like tuna with mayo. yumminess. i think im going to go on a tuna with mayo kick. so weird. does tuna count as fish? i mean it doesnt smell and it tastes good and doesnt appear to be fish. heh. c) i had something else to rant and bitch about but i forgot. heh. im a jackass. d) i love mike. :) and he fixed my fears of everything i was thinking. god i love this man. 5/11/2004 4:09:44 PM me you know what my biggest fear is? 5/11/2004 4:09:48 PM me like with this? 5/11/2004 4:09:56 PM Mike go on? 5/11/2004 4:10:06 PM me youre going to come here and hate me and never want me again :( 5/11/2004 4:10:12 PM Mike never 5/11/2004 4:10:14 PM me never? 5/11/2004 4:10:20 PM Mike the biggest problem i see is getting there 5/11/2004 4:10:23 PM Mike :) today fucking sucked. i hated it. i need a new job, save up as much cash as possible and get to HIM. give me back the old blogger. NOW!!!!!!!!! (can you tell i hate change???) anyways.. i love him. i really love him. i know its soon and everything.. but i just havent felt a bond like this in YEARS. i havent met anyone who makes me want to give up everything for them in so long. yeah sure i moved here to be with dan, but i also wanted out. and dan gave me that. im here on my own.. barely surving, but on my own. so to go to him.. its like yeah. if i go to england, im giving up dmb..since they dont tour there anymore (though dave does some solo shows.. i still prefer the whole band over just him or him and friends). my immediate family. ill have my granddad and cousins there.. and my mums old friends to turn to, but yeah... hes in northern england.. they are all in or just outside london. im scared if he comes here and we sleep together, he wont come back. or will want me to come to see him in october/november. god this is lame. i love someone so much it hurts and hes THERE and im HERE and yeah. i just want him to not reject me. or feel like i got his hopes up or something. i dont want him to feel cheated or that he wasted his time on me. that happens too much. i always feel like im wasting someones time. instead of them wasting mine. i love him too much to lose him before i even had him. You can’t know, oh no you can’t know how much I think about you, no It’s making my head spin Looking at you and you are looking at me and we both know what we want hmmm, so close to giving in Feel so nice oh yeah you feel so nice wish I could spend the night but I can’t pay the price oh no, no But I’m flying so high high off the ground when you’re around And I can feel your high rocking me inside it’s too much to hide I know, oh yes I know that we can’t be together but, I just like to dream It’s so strange the way our paths have crossed how we were brought together hmmm, it’s written in the stars it seems Feel so nice oh yeah you feel so nice I’d love to spend the night but I can’t pay the price oh no, no And I’m flying so high high off the ground when you’re around And I can feel your high touching me inside and it’s too much to hide Back to earth where did you take me to I know there’s no such thing As painless love well it’ll catch us up and we can never win But ohhh I feel so alive ohhh Just wanna hold you hold you so tight And I’m flying so high high off the ground when you’re around And I can feel your high touching me inside and it’s too much to hide And I’m flying so high high off the ground when you’re around "flying high" - jem so i downloaded jems new album.. all i can say is WOW.. so freaking good. totally loving it. if you like dido, youll love jem :) shes from wales and signed to dave matthews ATO records and all i can say is wow.. soo fucking good :) http://www.keoleian.com/music/downloads/ (get download here) Heres the review from allmusic.com: Finally Woken, Jem's full-length debut, fleshes out the It All Starts Here EP with six additional tracks. It features the addicting title track, the one that blew away KCRW and Nic Harcourt and got her signed to ATO, and it really is quite brilliant. With a dizzy main loop and loping percussion that undulates slyly beneath Jem's dusky vocal detachment, it sounds like what would happen if Beth Orton started bouncing ideas off of Super Furry Animals' hard drive. The song's formula essentially repeats throughout Finally Woken -- Jem's simplistically alluring vocals stringing along subtle electronic percussion, ear-catching samples, and melodic loops built from traditional instruments. However, perhaps because this debut sort of snuck up on her, it seems stylistically scattershot. Jem and collaborator Yoad Nevo have a jones for switching things up. They elongate and reduce their elements wildly, to varying degrees of success. ("Missing You," for example, is just too weepy, while "Wish I"'s breezy '60s pop update somehow sounds too shrill.) Still, this adventurism is to be applauded. Jem could've rewritten "Finally Woken" ten times and given Dido a run for the MOR electro-pop title. Instead, she settles awkwardly between mainstream accessibility and intimate bedroom electronica -- she even recorded much of her vocal work in bedrooms. "They" amplifies the percussion and drops in chattering children nonsensicals as a sample, while "Save Me"'s sultry bump could have been written for Ashanti. It just begs for an MC to break in; instead, Jem herself switches to cheeky sort of rap cadence for the final verse. "Mirror mirror on the wall/Who's the dumbest of them all?" she coos in her slight Welsh lilt. "24" is more aggressive with its insistent violin loop and roaring electric guitar -- there's even a church bell tolling in the background -- while "Falling for You" channels the breezy space pop of Zero 7. Overall, Jem's songcraft is only ambitious in relation to a genre often defined by a "blander is better" pleasure principle. But it's the intimacy she squeezes between Finally Woken's capable cutting, pasting, and sequencing that makes it really inviting. It's like a sheaf of endearingly crumpled love letters from a talented, scatterbrained friend. -- Johnny Loftus hmm im sending something to post tomorrow.. i wonder how much it will cost... im excited. i love sending suprises... for mike ;* Please forgive me If I act alittle strange For I know not what I do. Feels like lightning running through my veins Everytime I look at you Everytime I look at you Help me out here All my words are falling short And there's so much I want to say Want to tell you just how good it feels When you look at me that way When you look at me that way Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow Moving out across the bay Like a stone I fall into your eyes Deep into some mystery Deep into that mystery I got half a mind to scream out loud I got half a mind to die So I won't ever have to lose you girl Won't ever have to say goodbye I won't ever have to lie Won't ever have to say goodbye Yeah na na na na Yeah na na na na Please forgive me If I act alittle strange For I know not what I do It's like my head is filled with lightning girl Everytime I look at you Everytime I look at you Everytime I look at you Everytime I look at you - please forgive me -- david gray <3 and this pretty much sums me up.. lol.. I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary Average every day sane psycho Supergoddess Average every day sane psycho extraordinary - liz phair (from: http://www.bash.org/?top) >Beeth< Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken. >honx< well, you can stil get one from a strange country :-P this made me giggle: >kow`< "There are 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary and those who don't." >SpaceRain< That's only 2 types of people, kow. >SpaceRain< STUPID >Sui88< 67% of girls are stupid >V-girl< i belong with the other 13% its creepie how it hit me right on the bloody head. http://typelogic.com/infj.html Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging by Marina Margaret Heiss INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn. INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type. Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function). This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings. Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively. In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound. Copyright © 1996-2003 by Marina Margaret Heiss and Joe Butt okay after that huge post about being alone and stuff.. i start talking to someone new. and we both have the same problem, falling for those we cant have. i mean, i lived in the UK i could at least take a train ride to his place and vica versa. but having friends who are an ocean apart sucks ass. oh wells. lets just see what happens. its good to know people everywhere right? speaking of the last post, i think its the longest one ive probably written in a long ass time (maybe since september? i think?) oh wells. it feels good to write here and get things out sometimes. even if too many folks read this thing. heh. who the fuck cares, really? okay i do. but yeah, im a loser who needs to be validated, thats why i care. i got some new perfume. finally. after almost a year of being out my romance and just having the j'adore daniel bought me as good luck gift. heh. i like this a billion times better then what he got me. its cleaner. i think. makes me feel pretty and cozy. which i think is the point of it all. anyways, its bvlgari au thé blanc (white tea).. and im loving it. even if all the guys (except my roomie) whove smelt it, hate it. oh wells. fuck em. i love it :) mmmm i cant wait for mike to smell it. if he ever will. all i do is get myself hurt and made to feel like i made a jackass out of myself. i need people around me, but im so particular on who ill talk to, that i hardly talk to anyone. maybe being alone is better then being hurt? i dont know. i just wish there was reason to this insanity. i really do. i dont even think this is a solid thought. heh. i want to be loved. i want to be made to feel special. i want to know i matter to another person. i want to know that when im gone, i mattered. i need to be validated. and love validates me. i just wish it would find me instead of torturing me. or just letting me believe theres something there thats not really. ive lost dave. i know i have. hes been online for more then two hours and no im. and we havent hung out in over two weeks. i should just take that as a sign and move on. i just wish people were fucking honest. god. how hard is that to do? you know? i deserve that much. i really do. i was driving to the shrinks office today.. and i heard the new mary chapin carpenter song on XPN. its called the good girl or something. its on her new record (which i might just pick up because of this one song) and it reminds me so much of myself. im a good girl, i deserve a good man. why cant i just find one? god, im whiny. thats why i cant find anyone. im too fucking whiny. i have no real idea why im pouring my heart out in this. too many fucking people read it nowadays. i guess that will teach me for putting it in my sig. i know all this shit is going to come back and haunt me. i just do. heh. oh wells. no one can deny that i wear my heart on my sleeve. im open about everything. i try to be at least. when i was at the shrink.. they showed me my treatment plan and whats wrong with me. apparently im suffering from a low grade depression (but im still vocal and friendly), anxieties, isolation issues and a few other things that they used technical terms for and i cant remember the names of them. i was like whoa.. thats whats going on in my head. at least i knew it and now someone else does. and im getting treatment for it. im on 10mg of lexapro (which i need to take right now but i will once im eventually done with this) and its working okay. im finally remembering my dreams again. i think thats good, even if most are about hurting dans new gf.. and im sleeping deeper and longer. something i havent done since i had lived with daniel. 6 months is a long time to live off minimal (sic??) sleep and i dont think its good to live that ways. especially when im someone who used to thrive on lots of sleep. heh. but i guess thats all for now. maybe i should rant and rave more often in here. i dont know. i still have a lot more to get off my chest, but i dont know how to express it properly. i want to make fucking sense and i never ever do. maybe i should read more. who knows. heh. i should also stop listening to david gray and ryan adams. the two of them are going to make me want to off myself. i know that would make some people in this world fucking estatic, but i dont think it be the best thing to do at this moment in time. edit: im so out of it all i was supposed to do laundry today and didnt. i have to go to work in dirty clothes and no socks. im a dirty bitch |